The Wrong Hole

I don't think that boys will ever learn that women have TWO holes.

I'm dating this new boy named "Carl." I've now slept over at his house twice, each time after both of us have consumed generous amounts of alcohol. That means we've fooled around twice now (but no sex, I've been good). Overall, I am generally satisfied. He is a good kisser and seems to know what he is doing. However, his fingers repeatedly end up trying to enter the wrong hole. Now, I'm starting to think maybe this is a fetish because it has happened so many times, but it is not that difficult to figure out which one is which. I keep moving his hands, but they always end up back there. I will be intrigued to see what his sober performance is like.

what is up with boys not going down on girls?

Okay, so Im in this new relationship right. It is all lovey and fun, full of nose rubs and kisses and pretty decent sex and hand holding, the makings of a lasting thing right?

NO!

Why not you ask?

Because I need to be eaten out! I think any sexually liberated woman will tell you this is a MUST!

So a little bit about our sexual past- this new boy and I.

The first time he came over to my house we were cuddling in bed and then it turned into heavy petting or touching of the privates... we were going to have sex but I didn't have any condoms ( I know I suck at life) so I gave him head and then we went to sleep. In the morning I drove us to his house (where he had condoms) so we could have sex.

We have now been having sex for about two months and I have given him head maybe 9 or 10 times (mostly when I was on my period) and also give him head for a minute or two during foreplay pretty frequently.

His version of foreplay for me is always the same, rough fingers in my vagina. Even after gentle words of direction like "softer" "ouch" "dont push that hard" and me physically placing his fingers on my clit and demonstrating for a while he cannot master the fingering. And has he ever tried going down on me? NO!

Even after I have brought it up TWICE in conversations in bed, in the nicest ways I know how. He still won't even try it! He says he is not that experienced but I tried to boost his confidence and tell him it didn't matter- I can tell him what I like! I just want to see some effort from him to give me pleasure.Plus training boys to do what you like is fun anyways and totally sexually satisfying... but back to the story.

He has yet to even attempt to go down on me...

So Jizz file fans what should I do? Dump him because he wont go down or continue to get down with him cause of his 'personality' and all that jazz?

How to feel like shit during sex

This post has to do with why I ended my "open relationship" with "Fred." Fred lives out of town. Fred and I have been hooking up for the past couple years, but more frequently in the last 6 months. We officially dated for 1 week. We ended our relationship by him telling me "I just don't think I like you." Great... Well, I didn't believe him after I was up visiting him a few weeks later because he still wanted to hook up with me!

So Fred came to visit me a couple weekends ago and of course stayed at my house. Thursday night we made out and it was decent. I always get kind of bored kissing him because he doesn't seem to get into it. It's weird. Then Friday I had to work/go to class so I met him at a friend's house where there was the dinner party. We drank lots of wine and ended up talking about our "relationship." So, on Friday he says he likes me, but wants to play the field (what he had been saying all along). I'm like, "But you said you didn't like me!" And he says "Oh, I said that oooonnneee tiiiime..." like I was crazy for still dwelling on that. I'm like, "What the fuck? You said you DID NOT like me; it doesn't matter how many times you said it!" So we established that I know we won't be in a relationship because he wants to explore his sexuality. He feels like he is a late bloomer and needs to do that before he commits to anyone. But he doesn't ever hook up with anyone!!!

So, Saturday we hung out in my bed for a while, rode our bikes around the town, and went to a party with our friend. It was a cocktail party, so we were in costume and decided to go to a bar after since we were dressed up. We were SO drunk and on bike. Then Fred said we should hold hands while we ride. Of course we crashed and got hurt. So, we went home and went to bed. Then Sunday we watched a movie, but he put his arm around me! It's so weird. I know he just wants to have his cake and eat it, too, which makes me mad, but I keep going along with it. Ugh.

So he left and also came back into town four days later, which is the really interesting part of the story. All of his guy friends were going away for the weekend so he came down to catch a ride with "Christopher" (previously introduced in The Midnight Groper). The three of us went to dinner and then Fred and I bough 4lokos and drank them in my room. We talked a lot about what he wanted and opened up about our sex life. So, I found out he thought the kissing was boring, too, and we decided to walk each other through what we both like. He also told me he thought it was really cool that I didn't shave, which I found interesting. Then he says he has never gone down on someone who didn't shave, so I'm thinking, "Umm does that mean you are going to???"

So after a while of making out and me trying to show him the real, crazy, sex loving, dominatrix me, he decides he is ready to go down on me. It was SOOOOO bad haha. But it only lasted for a few seconds because then he's like, "I'm sorry I can't stand the hair." I'm like, "What?? I trim it so it is super short and you shouldn't be licking the part with hair anyway!" So I have female blue balls (aka I'm frustrated and angry) and he says, "Well actually it is because I don't like the smell." So I'm like, "Well, it is a vagina. They don't smell good." And I took my blanket and slept on the couch. I was so angry that he was so rude!!!

This morning when I went back in there he apologized for upsetting me, but said he thought we were just being honest with each other. I said that he was right, but he didn't need to say everything on his mind because some things are truthful but hurt peoples feelings. Needless to say, we are NOT hooking up ever again.

Spank Much?

A few months ago I was in a single rut and was looking for some action. Being in a new city and lacking the usual list of possible hook ups that one acquires, I joined an online dating service. It was interesting; the messages I would get from men were sometimes hilarious, sometimes creepy, and sometimes disturbing. Once I got a message from a married 40 something man who was looking for a ‘young girl’ to play slave in his and his wife’s sex games. After considering the offer I decided against it.

After a few weeks I found a guy who seemed normal. His picture was attractive, he was 26 and worked in the City. We chatted online for a few nights and then decided to meet up. We had discussed the premise of this encounter, we both wanted sex, so the plan was I would drive to meet him, and we would check each other out then decide how the night would go.

So I left my apt, a little nervous because I was driving to some guys house I met online. I got their and we drank a bottle of wine and watched some nondescript movie. I became indecisive- to have sex or not to have sex?

Finally I gave in to his sincere advances. So we made out for a while and then made our way to his bedroom. While undressing he slapped my ass. A little surprised and kinda turned on we continued with the foreplay. Then he slapped my ass again, and again… by this time I was confused. “why does he keep doing that” I thought. To this guy all of foreplay was ass slapping, no neck kissing, nipple teasing, just SLAP.

I figured that if we just got down to the sex he would stop slapping my ass so much. And for a minute it worked. But just as I began to get into it he started up again. He started saying things like “you’ve been bad girl” and slapping my ass. Or “Im gunna make you sore” and then SLAP.

In the end our internet hook up didn’t last. He did make me sore, just not the kind of sore I wanted…

The Midnight Groper

This past summer was rough for me. My job didn't need me for the summer and I couldn't find a new one nor a paid internship. I continued my unpaid internship and took one class, which left me with a lot of free time. One night my good friends "Christopher" and "Mark" came over to hang out. We drank and hung out for a while. Mark left and Christopher stayed. We decided to play a board game. It was an uneventful night for the most part.

Then I started getting sleepy. I was laying on the couch and Christopher was sitting at the other end. I fell asleep and woke up to him moving to lay down next to me. I didn't mind too much because he is such a good friend of mine; I just figured he was drunk and wanted to cuddle. I had a hard time trying to fall back asleep because he was there, and especially because his hand kept creeping up on me. First it was just on my stomach, but it slowly went onto my breasts. He then moved under my shirt and under my bra. The whole time I was pretending to be asleep. Yes, I could have stopped him, but I was intrigued that he was doing this and decided to see how far he would go. When he put his hand on my vagina I got up. Too far!!!

This has never come up in conversation. Christopher is still one of my best friends, but I think of him a little differently now... WHO THE FUCK GROPES THEIR FEMALE FRIENDS WHILE THEY ARE SLEEPING?

Most Embarassing Sex

This story takes place when I was 19 and fairly new to the world of sex. I lost my virginity to my boyfriend of a couple months, who I fell out of love with shortly after. I tried to break up with him, but he was under the spell that most men experience when they meet Jizzy; he convinced me to stay with him and try to work it out. I never really fell back in love with him, though we stayed together for another few months.

I auditioned for the campus radio show and got selected as a new DJ. There I met the most beautiful boy I had ever seen. There was a party for the new DJs and after consuming quite a bit of alcohol, I hit on the boy and we had sex in someone's bedroom. This was the first time I cheated on my boyfriend and the second person I had sex with. I had never seen a penis so large in my entire life! To this day (and let it be known that I have seen A LOT of penises) I have still never seen one that big.

I had sex with the boy (we will call him El Grande) more after that. He was a freshman and I was a sophomore, and we used to have sex in his dorm room when his roommate was gone because mine thought what I was doing was unethical. I always liked going to his dorm because the other boys were funny... and they didn't seem to care that El Grande had a girlfriend living in New Mexico or some shit at the time. They supported our "secret relationship" as we called it.

So, one time we went to my friend's house together where we drank a lot. We went back to his dorm to have sex. It, of course, felt amazing because of the ridiculous size of his penis. I didn't realize it until I heard it... I had started to pee in his bed! He was behind me so luckily nothing got on him. I was so embarassed and didn't know what to do or say. The first thing that came to mind was "female ejaculation." I backed it up with "evidence" taken from the Vagina Monologues, which I had performed in a few months earlier. For some reason he bought it! He asked lots of questions and was very intrigued. I couldn't believe it...

We had sex a few times after that, but he decided to end things because he was worried I would get drunk and tell his girlfriend who was moving in with him over the summer. I broke up with my boyfriend, who still wanted to be with me even though I cheated on him. I see El Grande every now and again, and still wonder today if he ever realized that I actually peed in his bed while he was fucking me from behind.

what happens in the hot tub...

It's all still a little fuzzy. I guess that's always how the morning after sorted alcohol induced sex is... you wake up faintly aware that mistakes might have been made, searching your body for clues.

My hair is wet, the smell of chlorine permeates from my sheets, and I'm naked. Interesting.

"Check the phone" I think. That's always a source of documentation, text messages don't lie.

It starts coming together.

We were drinking apricot beer (and who can just have one of those) when lets call him 'in a relationship' came over. I was keen to test the limits of my friendship with 'in a relationship', and J was just down for a night of inappropriateness. The conversation verged on sexual foreplay, as we played our favorite game "never have I ever" mostly because we enjoy shocking newbees with the extent of our sexual experiences.

And just like that 'in a relationship' suggested we take this party of three back to his house to enjoy some Tequila and hot tubing.

I thought "well this is going my way"

J thought "Hot Tub!"

'In a relationship' wasn't thinking with his head.

A few shots later we jump in the hot tub. Im still a little shy, not sure where this is going, luckily J isn't. All of a sudden we are making out and somehow our tops come off. 'In a relationship' is still not thinking with his head, so there are three tequila soaked tongues kissing, six sloppy hands traveling from body to body, and a pulsing of sexual energy building.

Naked, and on the verge of black out drunk we stumble towards his bed. Knowing where this is going J and I take control of the situation. Doing what bisexual girls do best, we put on a little show, that poor 'in a relationship' is in no position to resist. Then his phone rings- its the girlfriend- so we are done. Still naked we run around looking for our clothes, waking up the roommates who are confused why two naked girls are screaming and running around the house. Once we find a quorum of our clothes we are gone. Walking the three blocks back to our house holding hands for stability in our drunken state.

Halfway back we realize we forgot most of our belongings, including a cell phone, bathing suit top, and wallet.

Its the morning now, and missing our belonging we contemplate going over, but it feels a little awkward. Luckily when we walk outside our stuff is stacked neatly on the porch. 'In a relationship' must have wanted to avoid our walk of shame back as much as we did.

Another night of Jizzy over, we walk to get some coffee and reminisce about our first time in hot tub. Laughing about what we can remember and imagining the parts we cant...